Bee tee dubs, this is my sweet new ride. Don’t be jealous y’all.
I’m totally getting it painted a shade of retina-damaging orange.
Ryan told me to buy something practical and cheap to get us home and then just sell it once we were back in NYC, but BITCH PLEASE.
This brings my vehicle count to a whopping three. The Cube, my Neon, and of course, the Segway. HOLLA.
Aw shit son, haven’t updated in a while. Of course, I’m working three jobs now and have to have my “me” time, so it’s bound to happen.
So I’ll fill everyone in top-ten-list-style, cause that’s how I fucking roll.
10.) Mission “Save Ryan’s Ass” was a success, which comes as no surprise since I’m awesome as hell.
9.) Demons exist. So, there’s that. Oh yeah, got a badass tattoo to prevent being possessed, which I hear is a real bitch. Ryan has one too, but Bemis pussed out. It’s cool though, I gave him this necklace thingy that does the same thing.
8.) Went to Vegas. Hustled a casino. Won $50,000 dollars. Got my van stolen by a hooker. Had to spend most of the money on a new vehicle. Now own two cars. No biggie.
7.) BEMIS IS A VIRGIN. Okay, actually, not so much anymore, but still. Homie didn’t get laid until he was 21. TWENTY ONE. I don’t know how he didn’t kill himself before that, I honest to God do not.
6.) Speaking of Bemis getting laid, he slept with Chloe. I totally called dibs. But my producer said if I slept with any of the interns she’d hack my balls off while I slept. Something about sexual harassment lawsuits? Whatevs. I guess that if I can’t have her I’ll be cool and let Bemis do his thing. I had to use my copious amounts of charisma to set up a date on his behalf, since he’s completely hopeless. Bro better tap that shit again, that’s all I’m saying.
5.) So why is it okay that Bemis gets Chloe? Cause I’m totally gonna get Ambyr. Who’s that? Newest member of my ghost hunting team. Total fucking idiot, but blond and leggy. You know, my usual. Badum ching.
4.) Banged two Asian chicks in the bathroom of a bar on Bemis’ birthday. That was pretty cool.
3.) Did I mention it was at the same time? CAUSE IT SO WAS. *internet high five*
2.) I don’t have anything for number two cause number one is craaaaazy.
1.) OH MY GOD NUMBER ONE. Ok so the police stopped by the studio last night. They wanted to ask me a few question pertaining to a “Ryan Durden” that I’m supposed to know. I guess the guy’s wanted for murder and arson and few other OMGWTF charges. So I tell them, “Officers, I know no man by the name of Ryan Durden, good day to you,” and they leave.
I know they meant a certain other Ryan I may or may not know. But the Bro Code and the fact that they got their facts wrong means I didn’t have to say shit on that.
But holy crap, arson? Fucking MURDER? That shit is nuts. M-U-R-D-E-R.
I tried to call Ryan, but he didn’t answer. Stopped by his place, nothing. So now I’m worried that, one, he’s in trouble, and two, he’s going to set my house on fire and stab me.
I will keep the masses posted. HOLLA AT CHU LATER.
I apologize to my legions of fans, but this week’s Late, Late, Late Show With Ethan Carrabba is going to be a repeat.
I’m booking it across the old U.S. of A. to help out my man Ryan, who’s holed up in a motel in Washington fending off a demon.
Oh yes, I said demon. Lemme back it up real quick.
Poe asked me to help her out with a problem, and since I’m awesome, I agreed. She gave me a packet with all this info on demons in it, including a design for a tattoo I’m gonna do on Ryan when I get there. I guess he was possessed and the thing split, and he’s scared it’s gonna come back. The tattoo is a ward of some sort. She also gave me a necklace that’s supposed to fend the things off too.
Now, granted, I didn’t know demons existed until she showed me this stuff, but I’m not really surprised. I am, after all, a Ghostfacer. Also, I live with two vampires and a werewolf, so come on.
Anyhow, I’d normally ask my bro to join me, but I have a time crunch to deal with and I can’t wait around til sundown everyday to drive. So I called Bemis. One, he’s an alright kid, two, he can drive, and three, Poe and I are pretty sure he’s related to Ryan somehow. If he is, I think it might be good for Ryan to see him again, cause I guess he’s gonna be wigging out something awful when we get there.
So! Off I go to rent a car, fetch the Beemster, and hit the road.
Later, bitches!
__________
__________
PEONS GET!
So I had those interviews earlier today. My producer said I didn’t have to sit in on them if I didn’t want to. But I insisted. I’m not letting someone else pick my personal slaves! That shit’s important.
There were quite a few of them. I can’t blame them all for showing up, my show is awesome. Not as many chicks as I would have liked, but like I said in my last post, I had to pick one girl and one dude.
The dude I picked is some kid named Benson from down south. I picked him for three reasons. One, he’s southern, and I have SO many redneck jokes to drop on him. Two, he insists on going by “Bemis,” which is just plain fun to say. And third, he’s not bad to look at.
Screw you, it ain’t gay if your balls don’t touch.
Then there’s Chloe. Oh man, Chloe. Chick has tits for days. She’s stupid as shit, don’t get me wrong, but DAT ASS. I mean, she’s a telecommunications major. That’s not even a real degree! But for my personal entourage of indentured servants, I picked one with brains and one with boobs.
And what boobs they are.
Oh Chloe, you will be mine. Oh yes, you will be.
At least, I thought so, until my producer said I can’t sleep with the interns. She didn’t say I couldn’t get to third base though.
CAUGHT YOU ON A TECHNICALITY, BITCH!
Between ghost hunting and the show, I’ve been busy as hell, let me tell you.
There, I told you.
Anyhow, I’m getting pretty boss at this ghost stuff. In fact, the other night, I totally saw something flicker. I’m so ready to kick some undead ass. All in good time, Ed and Harry keep telling me. It’s a waiting game.
Yeah, well, I’m bored.
Oh yeah, and I have even more awesome news. My show’s gotten big enough to need INTERNS. I am so, so stoked. I get peons! Actual peons who I get to boss around!
Shit’s gonna be cash. I was gonna get two fresh off the birthday-wagon eighteen year old chicks, but the network say I need to pick two coed college kids. So, one hottie and a dude.
Either way, PEONS!
Whew, man, I have neglected to update this thing for a while. There’s the usual reasons my sweet ass has been M.I.A., like the show and work and Bro Shenanigans.
BUT THERE IS A NEW REASON. A baaaaaaaaaaaaad ass reason.
Ok, so, ever since I found out there’s stuff like vampires and werewolves, I’ve been reading up on weird supernatural stuff. I mean, I’m awesome, so I want to know all about these things in case one tries to off me. Cause that would be a catastrophe of the highest order.
Anyhow, I ran across this one website from a group of people who like, I dunno, hunt supernatural things. The evil kind, not the boss kind like my bro or Phe. I was e-mailing them back and forth for a while, just bullshitting mostly. But now they invited me to join up with their group, because like I said I’m awesome. Oh, and they had a member quit recently so there was an opening. But mostly the awesome thing.
So now not only am I a kickass tattoo artist, TV show host, and consummate ladies man, but I’m a ghost hunter now. HOW COOL IS THAT?
Answer: Cooler than anything else ever has been or will be.
This is going to be so boss.
